Post idea shamelessly stolen from TJ. I can’t find the specific post but I know it’s there somewhere. Ha! Correct post linked thanks to TJ herself.

blurry but good enough to see

I don’t really notice much of a difference but I upgraded to 2.8 for safety reasons anyways. The new widgets page is kind of neat I guess.

Yet again I swear by the Wordpress Automatic Upgrade plugin. I don’t know what I’d do without it, probably pull out hair.

I’ve had a shitty past few years due to my own poor decision-making. The past several months have gone extremely well though. I have a great job, I’m doing really well in college, somehow even though I never think I have enough money I’ve been able to scrape by.

I just dropped off one of the “right” things in my life at the airport, and I’m trying not to feel extremely sad. But I do. It’s a good sad, I’m glad I feel sad and I’m glad the visit went well (at least it felt like it went well). I really miss him. /emoemoemo

Awesome decision Twitter. Now I won’t meet new people anymore because apparently it’s too “confusing” for me, and I don’t like to be confused do I?! Thanks to your awesome new decision now Twitter will be simpler, right?!

WARNING: This post isn’t going to be graphic right away but if you’d rather not know things of a er… delicate personal nature about me, I suggest just skipping over this one. Consider yourself warned.

So I’d been thinking about changing over my birth control for quite some time, I’d been taking the pill for a number of years off and on and while I have no strong issue with the pill it’s not exactly amazingly convenient. I’m very good about taking it every day at the same time but it’s just annoying, you know? So anyway I take a human sexuality course this semester and we had Planned Parenthood come and give a talk about birth control etc and the woman giving the presentation spoke a lot about an IUD called Mirena, the way she talked about it sounded really great. It doesn’t give you heavy periods and cramps like the copper Paraguard IUD, in fact after 6-9 months you can stop having your period altogether. It sounded really way too good to be true.

Now I’ve tried other forms of birth control, the pill works great but isn’t the most convenient, and Ortho-Evra (the patch) gave me a strong rash-like reaction around the area where it was applied. Mirena sounded really great, I knew there would be pain on insertion and some spotting or irregular periods for a few months after that, but nothing I couldn’t handle, and what is a few months of spotting compared to 5 years of 99.9% effective birth control that you don’t ever have to worry about? Nothing. So I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about 2 weeks ago and I went in and she said that she’d order me a Mirena and put it in, and that I should come back after the end of my next period. She said nothing bad about it, she did talk to me about other options but I had kind of made up my mind after doing additional research of my own, so she sent me on my way and advised me to take some ibuprofen an hour or so before my insertion appointment.

I made my appointment for Friday, May 1st and was all set and ready to go. 2:30pm I took 2 Aleve and at 3 o’clock I arrived for my appointment. I feel the need to say, before I continue, that my doctor is very good, and very conservative. What I mean by conservative is that she doesn’t prescribe medications that aren’t needed, she is up on her new research, and she is very thorough. Also the nurses at the clinic I go to are also all very kind and knowledgeable. Alright so to continue, I went in got settled, waited for my doctor and the nurse to come in and get set up. My doctor showed me everything that she was going to do, what would be put in and talked me through the procedure. It’s not exactly surgery but she is putting a device inside of my body and she wanted me to know what to expect, it would hurt a little bit and I should be sore, but all in all it should only take a couple of minutes.

WARNING 2: Really don’t continue past here, it’s going to be descriptive to a degree. If you don’t want to read about ladyparts I highly suggest that you stop. No seriously. Okay then…

She inserted the speculum because she had to do an internal exam and external exam to check the position of my uterus. The Mirena and inserter looks like this and it, of course, goes all the way into the uterus so she has to know the position so that she can insert it without it perforating my uterus, or going in sideways, etc etc. Now here comes the extremely painful part. The cervix is really not meant to be dilated except when giving birth and things aren’t exactly meant to go INSIDE of the uterus (from the outside anyway). So she had to insert a sound which is basically a long metal object that is maybe a pencil width? I didn’t get a good look at it but it was inserted through the cervix into the uterus to check length and positioning. I will tell you now that this thing hurt like the worst thing in the entire world. I’ve never given birth (and I don’t ever intend to) so I can’t compare this kind of pain with anything else I’ve ever encountered, it was terrible. Luckily the pain of the sound lasted about 20 seconds tops, which felt like an eternity during but after it didn’t feel like long. Now comes the actual Mirena insertion, involving the inserter going through my cervix and basically somewhat “pushing” the Mirena into place.

I was in incredible pain at this point. Not doubled over, I summoned all the strength I have, and I do have a very high pain tolerance. My doctor gave me all the information I needed, told me to stay low for the rest of the day, the nurse said “make it a movie night” and that I might not want to do much tomorrow either but I should be feeling better soon. She told me to expect some bleeding but that it should clot soon and the bleeding shouldn’t last too long, don’t use tampons, etc. They then left the room allowing me to get ready and told me I could lie down there for a little bit longer if I needed but that I was basically good to go. At this point it was about 4pm, I just wanted to go home and lie down in my bed, I don’t live too far from the clinic so I got in my car and 5 minutes later I was home. I was in a lot of pain. I tried to sleep but I could not, I took more Aleve as soon as I could, got out the heating pad and tried to calm down.

I called work and asked if someone could work my shift. I couldn’t stop crying on the phone, not sure how I composed myself enough to talk to a co-worker who was willing to take my Saturday hours. Thank god for that, I could not have gone to work at all. At some point I tried to sit up to use my computer but I could not. My mom called me and all I could do was cry. The crying is another thing, I couldn’t control my mood. I would bawl my eyes out not even from the pain but just because I could not stop crying. Eventually I fell asleep once I got the heating pad out and figured out the one comfortable position to lie down in, this was probably 10pm.

Next morning, Saturday, I wake up and think maybe I feel okay. It’s 8:30am, I find that I’m okay to walk around a little bit. I also notice the bleeding has stopped for the most part, it’s a bit like the very last day of a period, very light and not like fresh blood. (Look, I told you it would be TMI/graphic.) Soon after this though the pain just came right back and didn’t stop. I took both Alece and ibuprofen about an hour later and neither helped. I’m also unable to control my mood and crying randomly and feeling really just depressed. My mom suggests we go to Urgent Care at the hospital and have it taken out but I want to just wait until Monday, they said it would hurt a little and who knows maybe it will get better. All I am able to do by now is lie down with the heating pad in the fetal position and try to watch shows on my laptop to keep my mind off of the pain as much as possible.

At about 1pm I decide to do some research, I can’t possibly be alone in feeling this horrible can I? I’m not. Many women have had their Mirena removed after weeks of bleeding, strong pain, mood swings, depression, etc. I make up my mind that first thing Monday morning I will call my doctor and have her remove it. My mom suggests again that we go to Urgent Care, but I really don’t want to go to the hospital like a baby who couldn’t hack it. Am I so pathetic that I could barely even last 24 hours with this thing? What if it gets better and I regret having it removed? I would wait until Monday. I take more Aleve.

6pm my mom goes to Wendy’s because I am just starving at this point, and a frosty sounds really great to me. I eat my hamburger and immediately feel sick to my stomach. I never feel sick to my stomach like this. I end up having to spend a good 15 minutes in the bathroom immediately after eating. This isn’t normal. I notice a rash on my abdomen, I don’t know if this is Mirena-related or not, but I don’t really care. I don’t feel right, this just feels really wrong and I want this thing out of me, I don’t care if I only got it yesterday. I talk to my mom and she calls the Urgent Care hotline, the nurse tells her to bring me right in.

We go in, wait, talk to the nurse who decides because of all the pain I am feeling that I am an ER patient, get registered and wait some more. Finally a nurse calls me into the ER and gets me set up, gives me a warm blanket and tells me to lie down to wait for the doctor. The doctor who comes in is very nice, he has me explain how I am feeling, I tell him I want it removed and he says that it is probably a very good idea if it is giving me this much pain. The nurse sets the room up, the doctor comes in and gets me set up for removal. Basically all he does is insert the speculum, finds the IUD strings and pulls it out with a forceps. It hurt like shit for about 5 seconds when he had to pull it out but almost IMMEDIATELY after I felt so much better. He sent me home, told me to get follow-up care from my doctor, informed me I might bleed a little bit and have some cramping. I went home.

On the ride home I couldn’t shut up to my mom about just how much better I felt right away. I felt okay enough to play on my computer some and eventually went to bed. This morning when I woke up I did have some sore muscle feeling (which is basically what your uterus is) but no intense and unending pain like before. I do have a strong headache which some people said they had after removal because of the hormones and your body getting used to their removal or something like that. I haven’t had to take any Aleve (though I did take something for my headache) and think I will feel fine for class tomorrow night. I wish I had done more research about the negative side-effects of Mirena before I had gotten it, so I could weigh them against the benefits. For me, it would not have been worth it and I would not have gotten it. Live and learn.

Tomorrow I’ll be making an appointment to just go back on the pill. Annoying, yes, but it has worked for me for years and why fuck with a good thing.

Stealing a phrase from Dan Savage, the “price of admission” in your relationship refers to the price you are willing to pay in order to stay in that relationship. Simply, it means what you’re willing to do or put up with to stay with your partner, what offsets the price you have to pay. Does your partner leave dirty dishes lying around but always takes care of finances and mow the lawn? Well, maybe you always having to put the plates away is the price of admission for someone who is in other ways a great person to be with.

Here’s an example of the thought process, and decisions to be made, regarding the price of admission. Let’s say Jill really hates the fact that Tom is 28 and spends more time playing video games than he spends with her doing anything. This is going to be incredibly oversimplified and basic, but it outlines the concept pretty well.

1. Jill says to Tom, “You know, I don’t like that you play so many damn video games all the time. You’re a grown man, and you spend more time with 15 year olds on Xbox Live than you do going out with me.”
a. Tom says, “You know what? I guess you’re right. I should be spending more time doing things with you, or spending time on hobbies more appropriate than screaming at prepubescent kids.”
b. Tom says, “Well too bad. I really enjoy playing games and I think it’s fun. Plus I have a job don’t I? I still take care of things when I need to. You need to accept that I like video games.”

2. Jill needs to now make a decision. Either she accepts that Tom’s game-playing is the price of admission
for this relationship because he does other things that she loves and can’t find anywhere else, or she needs to decide that it’s totally not a price that she thinks is worth it.
a. Jill says, “Okay. You do other things for us that I think the time you spend playing games is something I will have to get used to and accept as something you’re always going to be doing.”
b. Jill says, “You play way too many video games, and I accept that you’re never going to give them up. I think this relationship is over for me because I don’t want to be with a grown man who still spends 40 hours a week playing games.”

3. Now it’s Tom’s turn to make a decision about the price of admission he’s willing to pay. He can pay the price of playing video games less/never/when she’s not around because she’s worth it or he can decide it’s time to find a girlfriend who likes the fact that he plays games.
a. Tom says, “I’ve thought about it and I think I can play less games if that will make you happier in this relationship. You’re a great person and it’s worth it for me.”
b. Tom says, “Okay then. It’s time for both of us to find someone who is better suited to what we want in a partner.”

Yeah, that’s totally a simplification but I think it helps in deciding if something is worth fighting over, accepting, or deciding it’s a total deal-breaker. Does your husband leave the toilet seat up ALL THE TIME but always pays the mortgage? Worth the price of admission. Does your girlfriend yell at you for nothing and has qualities you can find elsewhere? Probably not worth the price. I’ll leave you with a clip of my favorite advice columnist discussing the price of admission at a college speaking gig.

Just installed the WoW Armory Plugin. I figure since I twitter about WoW, I might as well get the plugin that, like, just about everyone on the face of the planet already has. Even though I don’t really blog about WoW, or really blog about anything anymore anyways. /shame Bad me.

Well, just wanted to say that I finally got it, so if you notice anything wonky let me know. It should be off to the sidebar over there. >>>> That way.

I have a story for you, that needs to be shared.

So I am at work today, I work in a pretty small independent bookstore, and on Sundays during the Winter season it is pretty dead most times. When people do come in, it is usually one person at a time, sometimes two, seldom three.

Guy walks in, I am sitting at the desk, he looks around for perhaps 20 minutes checking out various books. He then walks out, doesn’t say anything or seem weird, just a random guy looking for a book. A minute or so later he returns to the store and approaches the counter where I am seated. The following exchange occurs:

Him: “Excuse me ma’am?”
Me: “Yes?”
Him: Is there anything I can [can't make out word] for you for?”
Me: “What?”
Him: “Is there anything I can pray for you for?”
Me: “NO.”
Him: “Okay thank you have a great day.”

He then exits the store calmly. I just… I have no idea anymore.

After making my pity party emo post I feel like I need to make note of the things I should be proud of myself for doing. If I don’t give myself an ego boost who will, right? As long as I’m not too crazy about it. So what have I done since I moved back home?

1. Got a job which I love and pays decently, even though I technically only work part-time. My boss appreciates me and I work in an indie bookstore with people I respect, something I’ve always dreamed of being able to say about my job. Yes it’s stressful, and yes there are a few aspects I don’t like about it (people talking on cellphones) but I don’t think many people can say they 100% love every aspect of their job.

2. Returned to school. I finally decided to go back on the difficult journey of fixing my mistakes when it comes to my education. I have an action plan that covers the next 3 semesters firmly in place, and I have people who are behind me and willing to help me succeed in this. Yes saving up all the money is no fun at all, but completing my degree is something very important to me.

3. Have finally been in a position to thing clearly about money and make a budget, know what comes in and out and start saving. Knowing how to save and how to spend are pretty important life skills.

4. Repaired my relationship with my mother. There were several years, between 20-23 when my mother and I had a very bad relationship because of my attitude and things I did (and mostly didn’t do, like give a shit). It took all these months of living back home but we are finally where we should be. Two people who love and respect each other, but with just enough tension to have the occasional fight with the ability to repair it later on.

5. And today: finally bought a car. Super duper achievement. Even if I never go anywhere but school, work, to the store, it’s on my timeline and when I want to go. It’s hard to imagine how difficult it is being in your 20s and having to rely on other people for your transportation until it happens. At least, it was more stressful than I realized anyway. It’s a ‘94 Corolla, teal, and runs very well for being 15 years old. Eric actually pointed me to the Craigslist ad, and told me to offer $1800 for it if it was in good shape. So I did, and now I have a car again.